*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
I am a kid at heart and a 52 year old coal miner at liver.
You Might Also Like
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] Black Sea, Red Sea, name one more sea.
Wife: did you tell her to say that?
Me: I was gonna say Vitamin.
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”