I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
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Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]