[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
her dad: we’ll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend
I am a master ninja with my ability to hide silently when someone rings my doorbell.
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Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Cop: Sir, don’t lock your kid in there, it’s very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It’s okay *leans in* it’s not my kid.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
I didn’t want to be the one to have to do this but I’m not here to make friends and I have to tell the truth: coconut water is disgusting
[guy who named the bedroom gets home]
Honey? Our son got in trouble at the learnroom. His teacher called while I was driving in my wheelsbox
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper “You’re an adult” every few minutes.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.