Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
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Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.