I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
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So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission