I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
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Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
This meal prepping shit is easy
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.