I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

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*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?


8yo: Ghosts real?
Me: No!
4yo: I heard groaning last night
8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning
4yo: What was that?
Me: ..
Them: ..
Me: Ghosts


god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face


I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down


ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now


I’ve completely changed my eating habits this week, so if I call you bad names, you’ve been forewarned.


‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic


Listening to coworkers try and explain Fight Club to another coworker and all I could think was “we really shouldn’t be talking about this”.


When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.