I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
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“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Me when my alarm goes off
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?