[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
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Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.