I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
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I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister