Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
You Might Also Like
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Happy thanksgiving!
is this how new cars are made??
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I put the h in mysterious.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105