me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.
For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.
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The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of ‘fun’ are.
I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?