It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
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(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general