Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.
For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.
You Might Also Like
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?