[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
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That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Love it! 👍😂
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.