@djdarrellripley

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

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@ArfMeasures

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

@JJSummertime

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

@CM2BTTHD

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

@UnFitz

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

@PetrickSara

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

@dixinormus10

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

@thetits

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

@dubstep4dads

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

@steeve_again

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really