I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
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Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank