I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
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My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.