I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

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i imagine my dog spends a lot of time thinking about how tall i am and how great it is to have a giant as a best friend who can reach treats


Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates



…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time


Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don’t let them see the gun.


“Science HAS gone too far,” I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard.
The Colonel laughs.


Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.


I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.