@wickedsuga

I am an expert at making balloon animals.

May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?

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@GrowlyGrego

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

@AndyAsAdjective

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

@sreekyshooter

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

@_knuck_

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

@billwurtz

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

@LegoGodzilla

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

@NintenDom

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

@noogscorner

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

@histwaddle

Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.