Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
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It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.