I am an expert at making balloon animals.

May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?

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Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”


*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell


You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.


Angry beavers can’t get our packaging open, but go ahead and try in your weakened state lol

-cold medicine companies


Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head


Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro.
What did we learn?


me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower


It’s been 7 years since Prince told Kim Kardashian to get off the stage.