Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I am an expert at making balloon animals.
May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?
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*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Angry beavers can’t get our packaging open, but go ahead and try in your weakened state lol
-cold medicine companies
Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head
Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro.
What did we learn?
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
It’s been 7 years since Prince told Kim Kardashian to get off the stage.