@wickedsuga

I am an expert at making balloon animals.

May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?

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@stephenjmolloy

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

@BuckyIsotope

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

@Probgoblin

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

@thebeckyard

Angry beavers can’t get our packaging open, but go ahead and try in your weakened state lol

-cold medicine companies

@CarolinaSong

Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head

@YourAnMoron

Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro.
What did we learn?

@bobvulfov

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

@CHUUZUZ

It’s been 7 years since Prince told Kim Kardashian to get off the stage.