“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I am an expert at making balloon animals.
May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?
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I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.