“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
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me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Welcome to your 40鈥檚: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I鈥檓 still single. Especially my wife.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 馃悤
Pro tip:
Don鈥檛 drop the remote on your wife鈥檚 face when she falls asleep in your lap
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don鈥檛 want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
There鈥檚 a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She鈥檚 the mare of the town.
Scar: Now that I鈥檓 king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don鈥檛 take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I鈥檒l let you know if I鈥檓 still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself