Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
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If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it