I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
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[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG