I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
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fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy