Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
“I am as misquoted as Marilyn Monroe.”
– Abe Lincoln
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On the off chance I’m captured by cannibals, I’ve got a ‘Best if eaten by 1975’ tattoo on my neck.
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one’s getting better.” Well played, Mom. Well played.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”