@ventivodkacran

“I am as misquoted as Marilyn Monroe.”
– Abe Lincoln

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@POTerritory

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

@cynicanoldicus

On the off chance I’m captured by cannibals, I’ve got a ‘Best if eaten by 1975’ tattoo on my neck.

@daemonic3

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

@NotLane

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

@Marlebean

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

@see_more13

When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one’s getting better.” Well played, Mom. Well played.

@Kyle_Lippert

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”