How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
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“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.