I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
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Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Air conditioning – not a fan
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.