The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
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Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.