@Desert_Musings

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

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@MiniiG

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

@LostFelicia

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

@just1fool

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s meant to be. So only become emotionally invested with boomerangs and dogs.

@Nikkeya08

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

@TheClifBob

I’ve been using my 4 year old as an alarm clock for the last month. Let me tell you, remarkably consistent.

@OneThirstyNaut

Interviewer: Where did you receive your education?

Me: Yale

Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate?

Me: I yust got out in Yuly

@KyleMcDowell86

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

@KKAlThani

Relationship tip: every night text yourself “Good morning love!” & turn off your phone real quick to wake up with a good morning text.

@imence2

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich