I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
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Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”