INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
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{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
All excellent questions
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?