I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
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[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
it is time once again
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.