I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
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[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
the dark web is just a goth google.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice