ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
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Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.