I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
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Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
“No way.” -Jose
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.