I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
You Might Also Like
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
#Caturday
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
We need to put an American base on the sun
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I hope this email finds you in a well
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?