I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
This meeting could have been a cake
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.