I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
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#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.