Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
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IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Her: *shyly* If I told you I loved you would you say it back?
Me: Of course
Her: Then I love you
Me: It back
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest??
COP 2: easy…he was in the water they drop on forest fires
WEIRD SERIAL KILLER: no no NO
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I’m running away to join the internet.