@Home_Halfway

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

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@ClichedOut

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

@smarick

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

@brynnester

Her: *shyly* If I told you I loved you would you say it back?
Me: Of course
Her: Then I love you
Me: It back

@ArfMeasures

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

@JamesHavoc

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

@jonnysun

COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest??
COP 2: easy…he was in the water they drop on forest fires
WEIRD SERIAL KILLER: no no NO

@SaraESpivey

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

@TheHyyyype

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

@TweetsByKaylee

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice