“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
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INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
im all 3
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension