I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
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I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
j o i m p
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.