@Vodkantots

I am drinker.

Hear me pour.

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@BradBroaddus

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

@curlycomedy

If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what’s weird about it.

@Darlainky

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

@WheelTod

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

@RedRegenerated

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

@squirrel74wkgn

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

@The_JRM

If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.

@racheleklein

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

@SconesMortensen

“You a cop?”

UNDERCOVER COP: No.

“So you wouldn’t mind if I … threw these donuts away?”

UC: *sweats profusely*