I am drinker.

Hear me pour.

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Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician


After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.


I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”


FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT


Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.


The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.


ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear


“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.