I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
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*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.