@Vodkantots

I am drinker.

Hear me pour.

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@lazy_joe_

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

@realHamOnWry

After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.

@BuckyIsotope

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

@Marcmywords2

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

@PaulChimko

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

@fro_vo

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

@mikeleffingwell

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.