I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
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The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
We like the way Dwight thinks
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES