The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
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Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.