I am enamoured with large posteriors and I am unable to utter false statements.

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Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.


Sure, I’d love to Skype with you. Just hold on a sec while I brush my hair and undergo various cosmetic surgery procedures.


I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”


hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail


*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*


I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.


I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.


A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.