@ShakespeareSong

I am enamoured with large posteriors and I am unable to utter false statements.

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@WheelTod

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

@lafpgh

Sure, I’d love to Skype with you. Just hold on a sec while I brush my hair and undergo various cosmetic surgery procedures.

@JennyPentland

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

@PrestoVision

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

@junejuly12

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

@Stellacopter

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

@just1fool

I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.