I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
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this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way