@Marlebean

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

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@Your_Boy_Dylan

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

@LaziestCanine

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”

HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME

@just1fool

Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.

@sageboggs

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

@donttouchjames

when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away

@TastyTuneTweets

Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like “You Can Do it” or “Ramen Noodles Aren’t So Bad” when you check your sad Account Balance

@ByYourLogic

i’m every guy who says he’s taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later