Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
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I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.
Which is absurd.
Plus, they’re ugly.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u