@Marlebean

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

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@DevilryFun

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

@2questionable

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

@yoyoha

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

@ben_rosen

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

@bridger_w

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

@MarcusTheToken

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

@LorieGZ

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

@NervousJr

Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.

Which is absurd.

Plus, they’re ugly.

@SemraDurmisevic

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u