Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
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I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]
“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”
HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME
Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away
Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like “You Can Do it” or “Ramen Noodles Aren’t So Bad” when you check your sad Account Balance
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
i’m every guy who says he’s taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later