@Donna_McCoy

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

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@NotthatAdamWest

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

@PerfectPending

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

@Tbone7219

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

@ashmensch

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

@internetluke

Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I’m optimizing code

@junejuly12

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

@murrman5

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

@DrawingShadows

Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.

@_ISpeakTrue

Guys aren’t the only one who get friendzoned!

I’m so deep in the friendzone that I’ve met his girlfriends parents

@bananagrvyrd

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot