I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
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“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me