I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

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The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.


Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it


I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.


*writes on wall in ketchup*

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.


Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I’m optimizing code


*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*


I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents


Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.


Guys aren’t the only one who get friendzoned!

I’m so deep in the friendzone that I’ve met his girlfriends parents


So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot