@BradBroaddus

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

@YourMomsucksTho

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

@yonewt

You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

@krisv_723

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

@rickygervais

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

@yonewt

Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice

Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD

@ObscureGent

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

@qwertying

I could never cheat in a relationship,

That requires 2 women to find me attractive.

@beefman138

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*