I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

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How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…


Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes


After grandpa’s unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.


Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say “I’m Irish”. No.


Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.


i hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore. facebook friends suck.


Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”

Girl: “Abroad”

Me: “I also come from a woman”


Like my priest always says, “Your confessions are the reason I drink.”


[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?


Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos