@BradBroaddus

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

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@ApocalypseBnG

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

@OctopusCaveman

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

@jazmasta

After grandpa’s unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.

@fapanislives

Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say “I’m Irish”. No.

@Home_Halfway

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

@thedayofthedot

i hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore. facebook friends suck.

@Ochie2S

Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”

Girl: “Abroad”

Me: “I also come from a woman”

@JustDontBugMe

Like my priest always says, “Your confessions are the reason I drink.”

@GingerHotDish

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

@TheAlexNevil

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos