I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
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A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
taking June’s advice to heart
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.