i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

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If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.


I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids


I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.


I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank


[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants



So I suppose Obi-Gyn Kenobi would have used the forceps?


When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them


I love Walmart because it’s the only place to buy movies that don’t exist


There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.


Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.