i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

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[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH


Get Married…

Then you’ll never have to make a simple decision alone again.


If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.


Friend: i heard your wife ran off with your best buddy. Are you okay?

Me: *wheezing* NO. They’re both much faster than me


Me: You want to watch a horror movie for Halloween?
Dog: Sure, put it on
Me: *turns on Dyson vacuum infomercial*


Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.


A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”


*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I canโ€™t be the only one watering things around here!


Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?