i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Oh. My. God.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.