@ColesTwitt3r

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

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@Maxine12333

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

@humanaaron

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

@roxiqt

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

@TheClifBob

I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank

@PJTLynch

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

@sfreeze6

So I suppose Obi-Gyn Kenobi would have used the forceps?

@TheDreamGhoul

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

@jinpaynus

I love Walmart because it’s the only place to buy movies that don’t exist

@tastefactory

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

@MensHumor

Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.