I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
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*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.