I am furious that some are willfully misreading my column, “Let’s Feed Babies to the Sharks”, as an endorsement of feeding babies to sharks. To be clear: I was merely representing the entirely legitimate view many have that some babies – let’s be honest – should be fed to sharks.

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People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.


To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.


Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.


Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*


[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this


David Attenborough: She looked lovely as she sat down to dine

Her: Are you narrating this date?

David: It was the only thing he knew to do


After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.


“Welcome to the jungle”
“We’ve got fun and games”
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?


Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.


[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther