@timcarvell

I am furious that some are willfully misreading my column, “Let’s Feed Babies to the Sharks”, as an endorsement of feeding babies to sharks. To be clear: I was merely representing the entirely legitimate view many have that some babies – let’s be honest – should be fed to sharks.

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@Fickle_Filly

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

@MommaUnfiltered

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

@SabotagedSmoke

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

@iLikeCatShirts

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

@GrantTanaka

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

@ThaJawn

David Attenborough: She looked lovely as she sat down to dine

Her: Are you narrating this date?

David: It was the only thing he knew to do

@shawnhitch22

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

@trouteyes

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

@SortaBad

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther