I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
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Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts