@WilliamAder

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

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@HoneyWooWoo

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

@bossy_boots99

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

@WilliamRodgers

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

@seamussaid

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

@Browtweaten

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

@sip_at_home_mom

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

@RoosterMustache

Hey now,
you’re a rock star,
get your game on,
Go plaaaay

Hey now,
you’re potato,
get your tate on,
Po taaaate

@causticbob

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..