I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

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Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?


My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.


When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow


God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?


What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?


The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.


Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?


He thought I wore a size two.

A size two?!

I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.


I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around