@WilliamAder

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

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@carlyken

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

@trevso_electric

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

@SnarkyMommy78

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

@dakg666

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

@Hormonella

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

@mynameisntdave

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

@JohnHilsen

The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.

@daemonic3

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

@_sleepysmile

He thought I wore a size two.

A size two?!

I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.

@House_Feminist

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around