I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

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Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.


I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom


“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?


hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER


Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?



Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.


Hey now,
you’re a rock star,
get your game on,
Go plaaaay

Hey now,
you’re potato,
get your tate on,
Po taaaate


Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..