@shaztaberry

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses.

5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?

@iGreenMonk

My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.

@sickipediabot

Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night.

Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.

@not_delicate

When cool people say “that shit is tight,” they mean it’s awesome but when I say it, please know it means I had too much cake for breakfast again

@surrealvehicle

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

@mjkspeaks

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

@DurtMcHurtt

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

@Sanbel11

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

@AmberTozer

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

@HellRaisingHell

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!