I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

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milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw


Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
T: No-[sees it’s almost 3 pm] Magic


Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.


One bad mushroom trip in high school and here I am 15 years later still sexually attracted to Rosie O’Donnell.


Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.


The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.


Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.


[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.


My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.