I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

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Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses.

5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?


My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.


Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night.

Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.


When cool people say “that shit is tight,” they mean it’s awesome but when I say it, please know it means I had too much cake for breakfast again


the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found


An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.


Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.


Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.


“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog


Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!