Coworker: Guess what day it is?
CW: Guess what day it is?
CW: It’s hum..
[30 min later]
Cop: So you stapled his lips?
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
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“Do NOT wake her up! It took me thirty minutes to get her to shut up and go to sleep.”
-Conversation I just had about a damn Furby.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it
[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
i hav cat-like reflexes
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.