I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
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This is a bad idea on so many levels.
🤭😂
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.