I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
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The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Denise please return my vape pen
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
OMG 🤣🤣
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.