I am having an out of money experience.
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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I have questions??
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly